On the cusp of my fourth decade, I’m feeling strangely Zen about my age having a 3 instead of a 2 in front of it. Which is odd because I’ve kind of always worried about growing up. I remember when my Mum told me I needed a training bra. The horror. Back then I thought I could cheat the system, just like Peter Pan had.
On my twenty-third birthday I thought I was old as hell. Past it. And I realise now that it wasn’t so much the fear of my own mortality, but rather the fear that the fun was about to stop. Being a grown up. Barf.
The thing is though, now 30 doesn’t seem so bad because, actually, the fun never has to stop. Well, unless you have kids, but hey that’s a different blog post! Thirties can be every bit as wonderful as twenties without any of the insecurity, self loathing or bad decision making. Hopefully.
I spent far too much of my twenties giving a shit about stuff, and not enough time giving a shit about the stuff I should be giving a shit about. What a load of shit.
And so in celebration of the remaining grains of sand slipping from my precious egg timer named ‘Twenties’, here are a couple of things I know now, I really wish I’d known then.
1.) Exfoliate regularly.
2.) Accept your body for the shape it is. The gym and starvation won’t stop you having curves. And why would you want to.
3.) Be strong for other people, but most importantly be strong for yourself.
4.) Aloe vera. Take it daily and everything will be better.
5.) Don’t eat too much sugar, it’s the cause of your acne and tiredness, plus it’s highly addictive and also bad for your teeth.
6.) Use an emollient cream, it’s the purest moisturiser you can get and won’t irritate your skin.
7.) Stop wasting your Saturday/Sunday morning with a hangover.
8.) Take milk thistle for a hangover.
9.) Don’t waste your time with friends who never bother to get in touch.
10.) Make time for real friends.
11.) Real friends love you even at your worst.
12.) Demand respect. You teach people how to treat you.
13.) Just because one person says your writing is crap and another person says your writing is brilliant, doesn’t mean the person who said it’s crap is the one you should listen to.
14.) You are not disgusting. In fact, sometimes you look quite pretty.
15.) Take risks. But don’t jeopardise your safety.
16.) It’s ok to make mistakes.
17.) Enjoy the quiet times.
18.) Be thankful for the good times.
19.) Remember the bad times will pass.
20.) Do things that scare you. Improv, solo travel, spoken word – try them, you’ll like them I promise.
21.) Buy a lady bike. Happiness guaranteed, every day.
22.) Not all men are users.
23.) Wait for someone who really floats your boat, don’t settle. (clue: he exists!)
24.) Read the small print. Particularly with credit cards.
25.) Some people are stupid.
26.) Your personality is the most important element in how attractive you appear.
27.) Dye your hair whatever colour you fancy. But always have a get out plan, and a good conditioning hair mask.
28.) To your parents you’ll always be their little girl, so go easy on them.
29.) Take Halloween seriously. Veeery seriously.
30.) Only give a shit about the things that you should actually be giving a shit about. Like feminism.
Now someone pass me the botox and a big piece of cake…